The Book of Downright Neato Things
Weird Mumblings as Revealed by The Goddess to
The Episkopos Kula
The Book of Downright Neato Things is less the revelations
of a divine plan as revealed
by The Goddess as it is weird burps in the mind structure of
Episkopos Kula. Often nonsensical, often mundane, always weird,
I'm sure there's something in it.
Not much of The Book of Downright Neato Things has yet been
discovered by The Cabel, but the scope of the chapter numbers
reveals that there is a good deal of material in it. All
of the currently discovered chapters are here, presented in chapter,
not chronological, order.
- Bah. If I am in the room, it is then my machine
Universal Law of the Universe
Chapter 1, Verse I
- pi*r^2 Yea, remember the Simpsons and keep Them Holy, for the Key to Life is
thusly: The Rock Which Does Not Move -> Simpsons -> Life.
Chapter 3, Verse pi*r^2
- I: Tacos always sound good.
Chapter 89 ("Tautologies"), Verse I
- XVIII: In the land of the legless, the one-legged ass-kicker is king.
Chapter 90 ("Wisdoms"), Verse XVIII
- I:All things happen in one-thirty-sevens, or are divisible by or are
multiples of one-thirty-seven, or are directly or indirectly appropriate
Chapter 137, Verse I
- I: So it came to pass, that the people's did use
sundry e-mail clients, some of them good,
some of them bad.
II: And a confusion reigned upon the people, who
cried out, "Oh! what shall I use?"
III: And the Episkopos asked upon the Goddess,
"Beseech me, O Chaotic One, what do you use
IV: And the Goddess responded, "Greyfaces use
Outlook, for that is the client of Mediocrity
and Conformity. Others use Eudora, and that
is better, but not the best. Enlightened Ones
use PINE, for it doeth have a Recursive Name and is
Text for Text."
V: "But above that, Real Users use
, for it is the User Agent of sublime Power, and
verily, those who master it are of a higher plane."
Chapter 273, Verses I-V
I: And on the 20th Day of Boomtime, in the Year of
Our Lady of Discord, Three-thousand one-hundred sixty six,
The Admiral spoke.
II: And the ground did tremble as The Admiral did proclaim,
"No one has actually won the election yet."
III: And, verily, a Friend of The Admiral did go insane, and
did bounce off the walls.
Chapter 728, Verses I-III
I: The Funniest Man Ever: Lewis Black.
Chapter 872, Verse I
I: A Machine without Screen is a Machine that Is Not Production Ready.
Chapter 1172, Verse I
I: The smart person realizes that ranch dressing is exquisite.
II: The wise person realizes that ranch dressing must be used to achieve
the proper balance.
Chapter 50266, Verses I - II
I: Do you know how many time zones there are in the Soviet Union?
Chapter 7343, Verses I-II
V: Professor, what's another word for pirate treasure?
VI: Why, I think it's Booty.
VII: That's what it is.
Chapter 25262, Verses V-VII
III: And so it came to pass that Ra, The Sun God, did
enter Valhalla and did take His Terminal and did MUD, and
the Sky became as VCR, and the VCR did play The Bride that
Was a Princess. Verily a calm came over the Mass of Existance
, for the Sacred Ra had entered Paradise.
IV: And the Sun God Ra did proclaim the Episkopos Kula a Phrophet,
and did name him a TaBoot of Beautiful Confections.
V: O, The Episkopos Kula did become confused, and turned to
Our Lady, and did beseech, "ERIS, why has this God name me a
Phrophet and Holy TaBoot of his reign, when I am but a humble
Servant of You?"
VI: And Our Lady ERIS did reply, "HIM? He's just a cohesion of
Random Quantum Fluctuations. Besides, Mine Potato hast the
perscipitationess of Penticle larks...."
VIII: And the Episkopos Kula did proclaim, "Thanks, Lady. That
really cleared things up for me." For verily he did walk
away, mumbling something about Discordians not praying.
Hey, We Stole this When the Other God Wasn't Looking
Chapter 32476, Verses III-VIII
I: And Lo, it came to pass that the Episkipos Kula and the Prophet G-Chef
did go onto the St. Louis Park Whitecastle, and they did order the
II: And a Vapour did fill the General T'so, and the Vapour was Good.
III: And the travelers did arrive at the Place of Pokey and Alissa,
and did take the Crave Case within, and did pass to the Deck.
IV: And Lou did ask where his White Castles were, and Confusion
did run, until the Prophet G-Chef did discover extra White Castles
in the Crave Case. And Lou did take his White Castles.
V: And the Episkipos Kula and the Prophet G-Chef did eat the White
Castles, and the Chicken Rings. And they did comment to the Freedom
Lover Nick how good the White Castle was, and how good it is, and how
good forever it shall be.
VI: And, having given one White Castle to Melissa, and two to Jennie, the
Episkipos Kula and the Prophet G-Chef did eat all the Crave Case,
verily, save one, which they did give away in Memory of those Homies
No Longer With Us.
VII: The Episkipos haven eaten four and ten Cheese Slyders, and nine of
Chicken Rings; and the Prophet G-Chef haven eaten three and ten
Cheese Slyders, and nine of Chicken Rings, and given away four
Cheese Slyders (the Case having come with two for Lou and one
extra) the Case was Empty.
VIII: And all was good.
IX: And that Evening, the Great Slyder did speak to the Episkipos Kula in
a Vision, and the Great Slyder did say, "Cast not ye out the White
Castle, lest the White Castle cast out ye. For in the Slyder we see
a sublime image of the Universe, with the One-Hundred per cent Beef
Patty, and the Pickle, and the Onion, and, if ye get a Cheese Slyder,
One-Hundred per cent American Cheese, and a bun of softest Bread, all
steamed together so that each contributes to each and all is
almalgamated together into one fervent nod to the Goddess. And the
Chicken Rings, well, they're chicken. With a hole in the center."
X: The Great Slyder did continue, "Although, I will admit the Fries leave
something to be desired, getting soggy too soon, but they tell us that,
like the Fries, all great things come to fade away, and to pass."
XI: And the Episkipos woke up dead thirsty, and a mouth that felt like
a Yak had died in it a thousand-fold times. And the Episkipos did
drink of the Water, and did Brush his Teeth.
Chapter 64738, Verses I-XI
I: Deep within the Des of Moines came forth a horrible beast, the
II: And the Mark of the Beast was DJ, and a hideous scratching
came forth over the land, and the people were confused.
III: And the Beast rode upon a White Chariot, yea, of shoddy
construction and hillarious appearance, and the name of
the Beast was on the Chariot. And the people did giggle.
IV: Verily the Beast did go onto the House of Dis-Repair, and the
noise came forth again, and the peasants danced, when they
weren't laughing to hard or reeling from the pain.
V: And the Goddess spake, "Anyone who has that much preoccupation
with his chariot has to have something seriously wrong."
Chapter 98342-1/5, Verses I-V
I: And the ground did shake, and the heavens did open up, and the
voice of The Admiral did call out.
II: Yeah, and the people did cast themselves upon their sundred grounds,
and did weep for joy, for He That Is Mostly Silent, hast spoken.
Chapter 9823432, Verses I - II
I: And Lo, it came to pass, that there was one seeking the Highest of
Computing Platforms, the Allmighty VAX.
II: And a Visionary, by the Name of Dave, did mention this to the
III: And the Episkopos did say unto the CIALUG, 'Go forth to eBay,
for there lay a good selection of reasonably priced, easy to
ship VAXstation 3100s, which will run many things fairly well.'
Chapter 9834591, Verses I - III
Back to the The Mothership